Monday, 7 May 2018


Depression. It's not a cheery subject but one with stigma and very misunderstood. You can still be the life and soul of the party while wondering how your family would cope without you when you're on your own. I try to be real with my social media statuses and the ones you see me having fun with my family are very real. I *am* having fun. I have a great set of friends around me and I laugh lots. I sing (badly) and I have people who still love me despite this. Statuses about isolation and depression aren't such a crowd pleaser though. My reality is I'm bed bound unless someone is with me. My son died. I can't even go downstairs and get cornflakes on my own. This inevitably leads to depression. 

The truth is on Friday I came of some tablets I've been taking for over six years and yesterday started some antidepressants. The reality of that is terrible withdrawal symptoms and a brain that won't shut off. Did I have a great time today? Yes! I'm still suffering though. Suffering is a great way to describe depression as you really do suffer. You don't live with it, rather it seaps into your brain as a result of chemical changes and distorts your perspective. Mine is mainly circumstantial but with a family history I am probably more prone to it. 

There is so much stigma surrounding depression that we must open up more and talk about it. It affects so many people. When I broke my foot I stubbornly waited two days before I went to hospital. With my depression it's been months before finally on Thursday I said to chris I can't do this anymore. I need help. I went to the doctors and she'd heard it many, many times before. I'm also getting counselling so I'm feeling positive I will get my mental health back. It's not all rocking in a corner. It's highs and lows and trying to get through one day at a time. It's not an easy subject but I've proven in the past I'm strong and if this inspires someone else to get help then it's worth it. 

Wednesday, 3 January 2018


Thanks to my Dad putting pressure on the hospital I should be having a VEEG before early February. This means I go onto hospital and they stick things all over my head, wrap me up like a Mummy and film me from another room. Sounds like a weird film but hey that's my life! The idea is to see where and how frequently the seizures are. I like to think someone will be in a room watching me 24 hours while I shout cock at them but it probably won't be like that. I'll probably scare them off! Hopefully it will give us a bit more insight into the workings of my brain. In the meantime I have to spend 5 days in a room by myself for the most part. I've read I might have to be tied to the bed. Definitely weird film material. 

Monday, 1 January 2018

New Year, New Start

Well it's a new year and about time I started writing again. The truth is I have been very depressed and lost my will to write. When I lost Charlie I had something to fight for, a cause to get my teeth into. I battled through it and it gave me strength. This time I have no strength. I've been robbed of time with my friends, looking after my children, evenings with my husband. I've lost my life in the past two years. I have no way of fighting it and that's when the depression hits. This isn't me. I'm the first on the dance floor, the life and soul of the party. Not the one stuck in the wheelchair watching life pass me by. This is the year I have to try and fight back and get the neurologists to do more. Except I can't because my medication knocks the fight out of me. That's where my family come in who fight on my behalf. I refuse to spend the rest of my life like this. Even though the neurologists have little hope of getting my seizures under control I have to cling on to that hope. I will be back on that dance floor with no wheelchair in sight. 

Friday, 28 July 2017

Two Boys Named Charlie

Today baby Charlie Gard passed away. I think we all felt a little of what his parents must have gone through. They fought so hard to keep him alive and for them every second counted. Every hour with their Charlie mattered and was worth fighting for. In our case we were told the day before that our Charlie needed his life support turned off. We were given the recommened option of doing it that day or waiting until the next day when everyone could come and say their goodbyes. The reason they recommened the same day was because they were worried one of his seizures would kill him but we insisted on waiting. Thankfully he survived long enough for him to have a peaceful death with the two people who loved him most in bed with him.

Our thoughts are with Charlie's parents and the long road ahead of them. We've just passed our Charlie's 7th birthday and although the grief is different it is still there. More of a loss of someone who should be here. We think about our Charlie every day and no doubt the Gard's will do too. We send them lots of love.

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Things Can Only Get Better

I decided I would update today but I didn't realise how long it had been. The reason I've been so quiet is because I've been so bad. We had a fantastic holiday to Majorca in May although I was very limited in what I could do. That's why you have lilo's though! I lazed around the pool and slept a lot. The kids had a brilliant time and that's the main thing.

The trip almost killed me (perhaps slight exaggeration!) and I spent ten days in bed recovering. I'm still bad now and can barely walk. It's going to take me some time to recover and this heat doesn't help. Last week I had one night where I had seizures all night and neither of us got any sleep. Things were improving a little before I went on holiday so it's even more frustrating.

It was James's birthday last week. My first baby is ten! Chris's parents kindly offered to host his party which we were very grateful for. We had fantastic weather and the paddling pool out. Five very happy cousins!

Last week I also had two appointments in one day at the Royal Stoke hospital so we decided to set me a bed up in the back of the car. I'm sure that didn't look too dodgy at all!! Still it was better than travelling home just to come back.

Today I'm shaking so much I can't even use the touch screen on my phone. Typing on the computer is a little easier but I was struggling to text before.

To quote D:ream...things can only get better

Friday, 21 April 2017


Meningitis. It's a word you've heard me use many times but this time it's about me not Charlie. My Neurologist and my Neuropsychiatrist believe all my problems stem from an infection. My Neuropsychiatrist in particular believes it is from meningitis. Meningitis I hear you ask? The very same meningitis that killed your son? Well no not exactly. It was probably viral meningitis and I didn't even know I had it. How can you not know you had it? Are you stupid? Well it's probably best we don't answer that one but yes it's perfectly possible to have it and not know. What are the chances of two people in the same family having meningitis? Slim but hey we don't do things by halves in this family!

So how do you cope with having the after effects of something that killed your baby? Well the truth is I'm relieved. Firstly to have an indication why I'm so ill and secondly to feel just a little part of what Charlie went through. It bonds us even more and something else we share. I want to share his suffering as any mother would. There is something poetic in us both going through something similar. He will help me fight this and now I have several causes to fight. Bring them on!

Tuesday, 11 April 2017


It all went a bit wrong last week. I became very bad Monday evening and couldn't get my words out. The only word I could say was Cuckoo! I go up a level on my tablets each Monday and it really affected me. I was like a drunk octopus and couldn't speak except nonsense. It did sound a little like I'd made my own language up! This happened on Tuesday too. I had my lovely friend Laura round who was helping me walk. As I started to fall she groped me! She says she was just trying to catch me but we both know the truth don't we Laura??

Laura's mum has got me a new chair to whizz about the house on. It's great and I can hang on to it when I'm falling although sometimes I fall off it. I have been really bad this week and have had several incidents where people have had to come and rescue me. I'm covered in bruises. We also enjoy playing charades when I can't speak. James is great at it but Chris is rubbish!!

On Wednesday Emily began wheezing and we got a call from school to pick her up. To cut a long story short she ended up spending two nights in hospital with a chest infection. Even worse I couldn't stay with her so my amazing mother in law slept with her for the two nights she was in. We're very lucky to have such good friends and family who offered to help.